Sometimes I feel like a first generation father

Fighting my insecurities so I can become the dad I never had.

A few young guys were having a barbecue and realized they were missing something critical.

Dad skills.

Grilling. Organizing the flow of the event. Calling people “big chief.”

The whole dad thing.

They hatched a plan to find a temporary dad on Craigslist using an advertisement titled “NEEDED: Generic father for backyard barbecue.”

Their ad went viral.

I can’t tell if their effort was a joke or about truly needing a dad to step in and teach them the life skills they lacked, but I’m sure many men can relate.

I have been a father since 1990 and still haven’t figured out my fatherhood style. I’ve mastered the look of a confident veteran, but I’m worried. Am I giving them too little or too much? Am I strict enough? Am I too laissez-faire?Are they learning what they need to be successful in an uncertain future?

My kids consistently make me question my sufficiency in doing my part to raise them.

Maybe that’s because I started with an imperfect blueprint like many men. My dad didn’t model attributes during my latchkey childhood that I can draw on to be the nurturing helicopter I’m supposed to be.

He wasn’t terrible. He wasn’t great. He wasn’t what I want to be for my kids.

A first-generation father

According to author Anthony Blankenship, a first-generation father “is any man who grew up without a positive example of what a father should be — and is now trying to figure it out for himself.”

I want to expand the definition to include guys like me who may have had male role models in their fathers, uncles, teachers, pastors, and coaches but still didn’t learn what qualifies one to be the good modern dad we want to be.

Over the years, I’ve read books and articles, took parenting classes (in my early dad years), and talked with many mentors about their fathering, only to realize there is no one way to be good.

We make of it what we can.

I can’t think of any fathering advice that works across all family types, in all situations, and that encompasses our vast differences in values, but some things are sharable.

Whenever I learn of a first time dad coming online in my network, I can’t stop myself from telling them how amazing it is and to enjoy every minute of it. I think most guys generally know the basics.

Be a provider and protector. Be a co-teacher with your parenting partner if you have one. Show constant care and be a nurturing presence. Be an example of the values you want them to adopt.

That’s the easy stuff.

There are a few things I would add that may or may not be obvious.

Embrace imperfection

We must accept that we will be imperfect fathers like every parent. That TV dad, Mr. Huxtable, was the product of scriptwriters, set designers, and stage directors. He isn’t real. His perfection is an unattainable goal; striving for it can create unnecessary pressure and stress. Instead, embrace the journey of fatherhood, acknowledging that mistakes will be made along the way. Being a great father doesn't mean never making errors; it means learning from them, growing, and continually adapting to the ever-changing needs of our children.

Facing Fears

The first time I was alone with my firstborn, I couldn’t believe anyone thought it was a good idea to entrust me with a living, breathing human. I was terrified. One of the first steps in overcoming insecurities as fathers is to recognize and face the fears head-on. For many men, these fears stem from a lack of confidence in their parenting abilities or concerns about repeating the past. We must recognize that we are not destined to repeat our fathers' mistakes. Instead, we can learn from their shortcomings and use those lessons to become better dads.

According to a study by ZERO TO THREE, 63% of dads surveyed expressed concerns about not being a good enough father. This tells me that 37% of men lie like a rug.

Be a student of parenting

Educating ourselves is a crucial step in becoming great fathers. Instead of trying to be great parents, we can become a student of parenting, seeking out knowledge wherever we can find it to understand child development better. Books, online courses, workshops, and support groups can provide invaluable insights, tips, and advice we need. The most powerful help I’ve had has come from talking with other dads and learning through their experiences. By actively seeking to educate ourselves, we show our commitment to being the best we can be, which sets a strong foundation for a healthy, loving relationship with our children.

Think about legacy

As we overcome our insecurities, we must create our fatherhood legacy built on love, providing guidance and learning resources. We must be present in our children's lives and dedicated to sharing experiences that create lasting memories. This doesn’t mean always being in their grills. Instead, it means making sure there are dedicated times spent one-on-one where an ongoing dialogue can prosper over time. I think a lot about what they will remember of me when I’m gone and what they will transfer to my grandchildren. That keeps me mindful of what we do together now.

Be a “growth” focused cheerleader

I’m definitely a “you can do it!” cheerleading dad for my kids. I’m a “good job, buddy” type of dad. But I’ve gotten better over time with my praise and feedback. As a father, my most important job is to encourage them to see challenges as opportunities for growth rather than as insurmountable obstacles. Providing appropriate feedback is key to fostering this mindset. I sometimes fall into the trap of praising natural abilities or labeling them as "smart" or "talented," but I remind myself to emphasize the value of effort, persistence, and learning from mistakes - all things I’ve learned from being an education activist and listening to school leaders.

Be vulnerable

Lastly, we need to embrace vulnerability as fathers. We could be better. We’re bound to make mistakes. But, by being open about our insecurities and learning from our missteps, we can model resilience and growth for our children. In a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, researchers found that fathers who were more emotionally available and sensitive to their children's needs had a more significant positive impact on their children's development.

The journey to becoming a strong first-generation dad is paved with boogers, poop, sprained joints, missed opportunities, self-reflection, humility, growth, and support. We can’t be ruined by the shortcomings of our fathers or by the unrealistic perfection of dad portrayals in mass media.

We are human and educable, and if we realize that love is our mightiest hammer to build strong childhoods, we’ll be alright.